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You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.
14th December 2009
2:01pm: boys boys boys boys.
So many boys.
It's good though. I didn't think I could like another boy, at least not for a very long time.
Jay and I were talking a lot, and slept together, but we haven't spoken much since. I don't know. I never really got over him and I guess he never really got over me, but we're not good for each other, and I couldn't go back to that, really. I'm not sure what he wants.
Dylan and I hung out the other day. He will always be Dylan and I will always be Jacqueline and we will always be Dylan and Jacqueline and have this fucked up relationship. It's been almost 5 years now. Oh what a fun ride it's been. He has shaped me in ways. Five fucking years.
I thought maybe something would start with this new guy, Sean, but I don't really care much right now. Maybe we will end up hanging out, maybe we won't.
I think Matt is struggling more than I am at this point. I, hypothetically, want him to be happy, I guess, but I am somewhat glad he's not. He is weak. He still needs me. I don't need him.
And then there is this other boy...I won't say much about that yet. I don't know where it's going. He makes me happy right now though. Different. I'm nervous.
Last night was the staff Christmas party/show. Ashley had invited me over to her place to get ready and hang out before hand, with Dana as well. I was hesitant, but decided I should take her up on it. We work together, but we hadn't got the chance to get to know each other and form friendships. I think last night was a big step in that direction, and I'm glad I went. It was a good night. :)
My birthday was nothing really exciting. Mom, Dad, Leslie and I went out for dinner at the new Texas Lonestar Grill. Our server was one of my favourite ever, and the food was good except for the many fuck ups with my meal. After that, Leslie, Devon, Liane and I got high and went to see A Christmas Carol 3D. It was good. I wish Justin could have come but he was really sick. I knew Caitlin would ditch. Whatever. It was good enough anyway. Birthdays suck.
Liane and I are close, good friends these days. I am really glad about it. It's really stupid to write this because she is one of the very very few people, if not the only person, that is going to read this... Hey baby, what's up? Lol.
Work work work work work.
23rd November 2009
11:36pm: maybe i'm okay?
It's already been over 2 weeks now, since we broke up, since we've even seen each other.
It still kind of hurts like a mother fucker. Kind of.
I'm done constantly crying. I go days without crying at all. I'm done begging for him to come back to me, because even if he changed his mind and wanted to (which is not happening), it would take a shit load of begging on his part for me to let him come back.
I still love him, I still think we should have and could have worked out, but I'm getting over it.
I still don't know if I'll find anyone better for me, more attractive, as seemingly committed, etc etc, but I think right now, already, I might even be happier without him.
I still don't know whether I should move back with my parents, or stay living here, alone. Right now I'm not minding the alone thing so much.
Maybe I should take this opportunity to learn to be and live alone, and be independent. Maybe I should try to be happy with/by myself, like you're supposed to, so that I'll be able to be happy with someone else one day.
He's still supposed to come by sometime, to leave me his keys and pick up a few more things. I imagine seeing him, if that ever happens, will completely crush my heart. I'm sure whenever I learn that he's with someone new, that will completely crush my heart. I don't know if I'll ever completely stop loving him, or get over him, but I think I'm doing a pretty good job at moving on, so far.
11th November 2009
10:21am: I really don't want to do this...
...It's...over?
Out of basically no where. Things had been good for the past month. Not perfect, but maybe the best they had been since moving.
I had to work on Saturday night. We were home together for a while, before hand, and he left it until pretty late to tell me he was going out while I worked. He was going to Caitlin's and Bryan was going to be there too. I was bummed because I miss Bryan, I haven't seen him in months, and I wasn't even invited, though I couldn't have gone anyway. I asked what they were going to do and he said "Drink.". If that was a usual thing for him to do, that'd be one thing...but it's not. He drank a lot right before we got together, but he stopped right away. I didn't tell him to or anything, he just didn't really do it anymore, except for only a few times throughout our whole relationship. Obviously I'm not really a fan of drinking so that works for me. Anyway...I was a bit pissed about it but I didn't get really mad or tell him he couldn't go out or anything.
He walked me to work, gave me the usual quick multiple kisses waiting for the light to change. I always pull away and check to see if it has, he always says "More more more." The show I was working was really dead for the first couple hours so I was txting him a bit, telling him i was bored, asking him how late people would be hanging at Caitlin's, because maybe I could come over after work, etc... but he was barely replying at all. He was basically ignoring me. He didn't txt me for 2 hours other than to say "im trunk :(" so I decided not to even bother telling him I was done, so he could come get me and walk me home, as usual. He was ignoring me already so I wasn't even sure he'd pay attention to it, and I assumed he must have been having a good time anyway so I didn't want to be his annoying girlfriend forcing him to leave and come get me.
I got home around 1:30AM. He didn't txt me until 2:30AM, asking me when I was going to be done, which is pretty ridiculous because I basically never work that late. I told him I was already home and he said "Oh, you didn't tell me...". Instead of heading home right then he stayed there for a couple more hours. In that time I got a txt from him, clearly meant for someone else, saying "I'm 20 and I live close.". Obviously this made me wonder...especially since I already have a hard time trusting him.
When he finally got home, I was already asleep and didn't wake up. I woke up around 6AM with him passed out, fully clothed, next to me. I woke him up and I was angry. He didn't wake me up to spend any time with me or apologize or anything.I asked him if he was just totally wasted and he said no, he wasn't even that drunk. I questioned him about the txt and he wouldn't explain it at all, he just kept telling me to leave him alone and let him sleep and that he was really drunk. He moved to the couch.. I asked to see his phone...well demanded it, because I wanted to see his txts. He wouldn't give it to me, obviously, and just kept calling me crazy. (I read his txts a couple weeks ago while he was in the shower, and found a conversation I didn't really like, so I actually ended up telling him about it, even though I knew it was partly a bad idea since I was obviously in the wrong too...but I was mad about how he was talking to some other girl. After that fight he said that he has nothing to hide and would let me read see his phone whenever I wanted if that's what he had to do.) I wanted him to at least explain himself and apologize for ignoring me all night, but he wouldn't at all. He said I was making him feel sick and that he was going to throw up in my face if I didn't leave him alone. He went into the bathroom to throw up, and locked the door, told me to fuck off, and didn't come out. I asked him if he really wanted to do this, that he was ending our relationship. Things were so bad a month or so ago, that whenever it gets bad now I think it's going to be the end, and I don't want to keep puting up with his shit. He kept saying he didn't care, he didn't care if we broke up, he didn't care how upset he was making me.
I went to bed alone. He slept on the couch. I got up for a minute in the morning to ask him when he was leaving for work, because he should have by then. He said "Soon.". It was still bad, he was still half asleep and drunk. He left. He didn't txt me much while at work, but the ones he did send were not good. Things weren't getting better, he didn't think this was going to work. I cried all day. I had a nap around 5PM, and he got home from work a couple hours later. He didn't come in and talk to me so I went out to the living room to talk to him. I asked him what was happening. He said he hadn't had enough of a chance to think about it, because he'd been at work all day. I couldn't stop crying. He said he didn't think he could do this anymore. He said he was sure. This is over, and he wasn't going to change his mind this time. It's really over...I told him I loved him and that I didn't want this at all and that I needed him. He said it was over. I asked what the fuck we were doing then. He said he'd go stay at his uncles. He packed up a few things, had a shower, and was still hanging around for a bit, while I just cried. I asked him why he was still here, he said he was leaving but he couldn't find his keys. He asked me to look on the couch for them. I guess he found them somewhere else, I heard the door open, shut, and lock. He didn't say goodbye.
Justin came over to keep me company. We talked and I couldn't help but cry. We got high, which helped a little bit, temporarily. We watched Dexter. I was still broken. He left.
I cried, constantly. I kept txting him all night, tried calling him, he wouldn't reply or pick up. I could barely sleep. I did the same in the morning. He finally replied and said "I just woke up, I'm going for a walk, I think it's best if I don't talk to you right now.". He said he couldn't hear my voice because he knows how upset it would sound and that he wouldn't be able to handle it. I kept doing the same thing all day. I wondered if this was really happening, for real, permanently. The rare time he replied he assured me that he was not going to change his mind, and that this was for the best. He asked what time I was working, so that he could come by to get some stuff. I asked him if he was going to avoid seeing me forever. He said "I don't want to, but maybe, it's just not good right now.". I told him we need to talk about this, in person. We have all this shit together, he can't just leave. He said he doesn't have the balls to talk to me in person. I wrote him a three page letter and taped it to the back of the door. He came by and took some stuff while I was at work. I asked him to read the letter and not just throw it out, he said he would. He didn't say anything about it. I said "Nothing I've said means anything?". He said "It doesn't change anything.". I worked, tried not to cry all night. Walked home by myself. Sat around by myself....empty and alone. I went to bed by myself. It's completely fucking unbareable. It's so quiet and so cold. Yesterday was more of the same. I would cry, txt him, cry, constantly. He maintained that he's not changing his mind, he is sorry, he wishes it were different. I tell him it doesn't have to be this was, this is all up to him. My mom comes over just after noon. She does my dishes and tidies a bit. I couldn't stand this place being a mess with his stuff, his dirty dishes. He just left. Like fuck I'm going to wash his dirty dishes for him. We talked. I cried. I txted. He barely replied. I started really hating him, he said he didn't blame me. I worked. I said again, that we needed to talk. I didn't know what was happening. He said that he already has a place he's going to move to, in Burlington, he's taking our big beautiful TV (uhg), and his green chair, but I can keep basically everything else. He's going to deposit money into our joint account for the next 2 pay cheques, and then stop. He will call the bank and cable company, etc, to get things sorted out. My name isn't even on our cable bill, and we obviously need to close our joint account, and I can't do anything about either of those things, alone. I told him this wasn't fair. He was just leaving me with OUR apartment, and not even discussing it with me. Just leaving me with OUR cat, and not even discussing it with me. I asked him why he doesn't even care about his cat. He said he cried when he said goodbye to him. I said "It's nice to know that you cried over a cat, but haven't shed a single tear over me.". He said that he has cried over me too. I started trying to convince him to give me a second change. I told him I would do anything, I would change, I was sorry, things could be better, I could not lose him, he is the love of my life, etc. I begged him. I told him I was begging him. I could make him happy, I want to make him happy. He still said "I'm sorry...nothing's going to change...".
Justin picked me up from work and we went to hang out with Amy and people. She's leaving for Australia on Friday so that's the last time I'll see her for a while. I at least laughed, a few times, but I didn't forget what was happening to me. I thought maybe I would stay over at her place but instead I just came home. Justin and I smoked while driving. Caitlin had been txting me and came over shortly after I got home. We smoked more, both types of smoking. We talked a lot. I tried to understand what the fuck was going on. She thought I was crazy for thinking my only option was to somehow convince him to give me a second chance. But it is. Everyone keeps saying I'll be okay eventually, I'll move on, I'll find someone better. Even if there is someone better out there, that would make me happier, I don't want them. I only want him. "Yeah...for now...but that will change". No, I don't want it to. I only want him. I need him. He is the one. I need him. I can't believe that this is really happening. It's so unfair. It came out of no where. He is everything. We talked about what the fuck was happing. How is he so sure he wants this all of a sudden. She said maybe he'd been thinking about it for a while. She said that sometimes, in people who commit suicide, once they've decided to do it, for the month before they actually do, they're really happy, and people think they're better. Maybe it was like that. I thought we were better, good. Maybe it was the calm before the storm. We talked about how it happened though. If the fight about him being drunk really ended us, because he says it wasn't just about that night, and I don't see how that could be the deal breaker anyway. It kind of seemed like maybe he'd decided earlier that night that we were over, and that's why he drank so much and wasn't concerned about me. Caitlin agreed. She thought there was a good chance that was the case. He did tell me he'd been thinking about things for the past week or so...but he just didn't let me know I guess. I was just an uninformed idiot apparently, unaware that my life was about to end. We had my family over for a 6 months of living here house warming party...we got gifts from them...they came to our home...We'd finally hung stuff on the walls. We got a big picture frame and filled it with pictures of us. We finally finished our home. It's over a week later. This isn't my home anymore. He is my home and he's not here. This place makes me sick. Everything makes me sick. I've eaten about 200 calories per day over the last 3 days. I've lost 5lbs. My heart hasn't felt normal, I haven't been able to breathe properly, I haven't felt anything but weak, and I've barely stopped crying. He's made it so that I'm stuck here alone, in this apartment, surrounded by us and him. We have a lease until August, and even if I could break it I don't know what I would do. I can afford to stay here, just, but it would obviously be a huge change for me, money wise. This location is good for me, and I've already put so much effort into this place, with painting, and getting furnature in here, and everything. I absolutely do not want to live alone. I've never wanted to, at any point in my life, let alone when it's going from living with my love, in our home together, to living alone, out of nowhere. It is painfully lonely and quiet and scary. I don't want to move back in with my parents. It would be nice to have some company, and get out of here, to let go, but after living away from my parents house for 8 and a half months...why would I want to go back? I would have to go from being able to do whatever I want, smoke on my balcony, have my own place, be an adult, to moving back into my tiny bedroom at my parents house. It would also make it very difficult to keep my job at the Casbah if I moved back there. It's not close enough to walk to and from work, like I do now. Assuming I could break my lease, I could look for another apartment, maybe it could even be closer to the Casbah, or a little bit cheaper even, but the only real point would be to get out of OUR place. This apartment is good, that's why we got it, but it is really healthy to stay here? And if I did do that, it would still be a huge hassle to move everything, and I would still be living alone. There are no good options. The only good option is him coming back, and that's not happening.
I don't know what to do...
The last thing he said to me was "Can you look on the couch for them?".
The last time we kissed was just a quick goodbye kiss before work, that I pulled away from.
I need him. It makes me sick to even think about being with anyone else. I love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, like we were supposed to. I love him.
6th October 2009
12:21pm: I don't even feel like making an entry at all but....
I haven't in a while.
I've been working at the Casbah for almost a week now, I've had 3 shifts. It's not really very exciting...maybe it will get better once I'm more comfortable there but as of right now, I'm not sure the positives outweigh the negatives. I thought it would be my dream job but...I don't know. I like that I know what I'm doing at BJ. I know how to handle any situation that could arise. I also have a lot of say over my schedule, don't work so late, don't have to walk up a shitty exhausting hill to get there, etc, etc. If I start bartending eventually it could be good money and maybe that would make it worth it...I don't know.
Matt and I had a really rough week or two. For some reason he reached his breaking point and kept fighting with me and we nearly broke up practically every day. At one point we went 2 days without talking, and then we were fine for one day, and then it was back to being horrible again. I wanted him to make a decision and stop changing his mind and dragging me through this shit. He said he didn't think it was going to work...I went to bed, he went to bed on the couch. I cried a lot. After a while I got up and went to see him in the living room, and cried some more, he comforted me and we went to bed together. He said he was sorry and that he wanted to be with me, that's where he belongs. We had makeup sex (the first time we'd had sex in probably at least a month)...and things have been better since... so basically crying and sex fixes relationship issues. I'm okay with that though, I just want things to work, because I do want/need to be with him.
I'm sick as fuck. Luckily today is my one day off, but I'm thinking I'm going to be sick for a while, so I don't know how I'm supposed to survive work for the next 5(+) days straight.... uhg.
Oh also, it was Amy's birthday shindig the other night. I went with Justin. It was nice too see everyone. I miss them, friends in general. Amy's leaving for Australia at the end of the month, for a long time, probably 6 months or so, I don't think she knows exactly.
19th September 2009
9:19pm: stoked.
Interview day at The Casbah was on Monday. They were hiring for bartenders. There were 75 confirmed guests on Facebook. I was fourth or fifth in. I have no experience obviously, and I suck in interviews and that kind of thing, but I worked pretty hard on my resume/cover letter and didn't do too terribly in the interview, could have probably done better though. The owner told me they would be contacting the chosen people at the end of the week.
He called Thursday night and said something along the lines of...
"I'm thinking you can guess why I'm calling...
We've hired 2 experienced bartenders, and though you have no experience, my wife and I really liked you, we thought you seemed mature and you gave off a good vibe...
We didn't want to lose your interest by not giving you a job, and I'd really like to have you as an employee, so, if you're interesting, I would like to offer you a job starting off as the person who takes tickets at the door etc, and then you can work your way up to being a bartender over time.",
Maybe everyone else sucked really hard? I don't know, but I'm really happy that I got hired. Yeah, I'd like the money that bartending brings, but mostly I just wanted to work there in general, so this should work realy well for me, especially since i'd be scared to start with no experience.
He said he would email me that same night, telling me all the time he's free for the coming week, so that we could meet to discuss more about the job. He called back a little while later and I missed the call, and never emailed...he added me on Facebook so the next day I sent him a message saying "sorry I missed your call" and left my email (which he already had, as it was on my resume) and told him i'd be checking it often so we could set things up...
Still just waiting 2 days later....hmmmm...totally fired already.
27th August 2009
8:31pm: honesty box.
'I wish we never knew each other." Hm...
11th August 2009
2:55pm:
I have to remember that there's no one better, and that this is all I ever wanted.
18th July 2009
3:01pm: Sigh.
I still don't have much to update on really. Life is relatively boring.
Leroy is an asshole. I can't wait til he gets de-clawed.
Things Matt and I have been waiting for for months have FINALLY got done around the apartment.
We have our ups and downs.
For whatever reason, I just went pages and pages and pages back on his Facebook wall, to read all the comments from his ex girlfriend, and his constant status updates relating to her...for the second time.
He begs me not to think about his past, because he doesn't at all, but I can't not. She was his everything, they were in love right away, they spent as much time as possible together, he took her home to meet his family, they did big things together, like looked for his last apartment. (And I still think his tattoo was for her, at least somewhat.) I partially just hate the fact that he already felt everything he feels for me, before. He's already said everything he's said to me, to someone else, already been "engaged" (via Facebook, which is so annoying) to someone else, etc. If he could cheat on her a dozen times, why couldn't he do the same to me? What the fuck is the difference? He assures me that it's not even comparable at all and that he was just stupid and wrong with her. It was lust, not real love. It's real with me. It's everything with me. I do believe that he feels that way, and isn't lying at all, but it still sucks to think about, and it still seems possible that he could be wrong with me too.
My heart just hurts sometimes, even when it shouldn't. Maybe I'm afraid I'm not good enough for him. He pisses me off so often but I'm well aware that any girl would be lucky to have him.
Sometimes I almost want this to end because we are SO committed and it's scary because that means I can never ever be with anyone else again. I don't feel like I'd miss out on anyone new that could possibly come along. I don't feel like there's something better I could be missing. It's just hard to know that I'll never be with Dylan, Jay, James, Zach...again. Whether it be about sex or rekindling a relationship. It's hard to know that Alex and I will never even start what we thought we would. It will never even get a chance.
It's hard every day. More than that though...I'm really in love with him. I know he really loves me, he tells me he does, and tries to put into words how much, multiple times, every single day. I absolutely could not be without him. We are best friends. I cannot wait to marry him and I wish it could happen RIGHT NOW. I cannot wait to have children with him, and a real home, a car, etc. I really hope we can figure it all out. I hope we can somehow get decent careers so that we actually have any money. I hope we can hold on to and improve our relationship so that we can last forever.
I guess I'm just all over the place.
18th June 2009
7:23pm:
James has a girlfriend.
I knew it was going to happen soon, and I knew it would be the girl that it is, just from facebook stuff, I could tell.
I don't know her at all, I don't think he did either, when we were together.
I hope he's happy, and I hope she's everything he deserves. I hope she's not better than me.
It hurts. It's totally fair, obviously, but my heart still really hurts.
31st May 2009
10:17pm: Leroy <3
Matt and I had been thinking about getting a kitten. We looked on the SPCA website and saw 3 really cute orange ones. We refreshed the page, and one was gone, a few hours later, another was gone. Only little Leroy (8wks, orange and white) was left. We were going to go in on Saturday, to apple to adopt him, but then we...didn't. Today Matt worked, and I had it off. I asked him if he'd want me to try to get Leroy with out him and he said yes. I called to see if he was still available and asked how long the adoption process would take. I would have had to bus. I didn't have food or litter or a carrying case for him. I would have made my Mom take me but she's away. Conveniently enough, I txted my cousin Devon and told him to come help me buy a cat. He said "I'm actually in the area. I'll be right there". We went to the SPCA, checked out some of the animals, and eventually got a hold of Leroy. I filled out some forms and talked to a lady that worked there. She gave me some forms, a blanket, and food sample bags. I paid, they rang a bell and announced that Leroy was going home, and we were on our way! It ended up being a really easy process, and I didn't have to fight for him or anything. We went to Petcetera to get some litter and food etc, stopped by BJ, stopped by my old home to introduce him to my sister, and then finally came home to the apartment. Devon stayed for a bit and then was on his way. I set things up for little Leroy the best I could. You're supposed to suclude kittens in a smaller space, with all of their necessities, for the first few days. So we're keeping him in the bathroom when we're not around, and some of the time when we are. Sometimes he doesn't like it, and I can hear sad little mews through the door. Matt's friends came over for a bit which was stupid because they were "jamming" and it scared Leroy, but they didn't stay for long. Now Matt and I are just hanging out with our little boy, and Caitlin and Bryan are coming over to meet him. :D
27th May 2009
1:40pm: Realistically..
I'm sitting on my balcony, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. It's cold, considering it's almost June. I never really have anything to make entries about anymore, because my life lacks drama. Here's one anyway...
Our relationship is not perfect, at all. We fight multiple times, every day. Our sex life struggles, quite greatly, which makes me especially sad because it should be so good. We don't go out all that much, and our lives basically revolve around each other.
Sometimes I miss Jay, and Zach. And, really, James. Quite a bit.
I don't think it could get any better though, really.
I love him, and he loves me. A lot.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don't want it to be like this. I don't want it to end, at all. I want it to be better.
He just txted me saying "I love you more than anything in the universe, and I really, really, really hope everything is okay between us honey."
He is good to me. He does a lot for me. Most of all, loves me unconditionally. He just pisses me off so much. He doesn't listen. He doesn't think things through.Whatever. I need to stop giving him such a hard time though, for things to get better.
I guess there will always be something to complain about, even with the best guy out there.
Maybe time apart would help, but neither of us ever want that. I miss him every time he's gone. I miss him right now, because he's at work.
I'll be so happy to see him later on tonight. And then we'll just get back to fighting as per usual.
Maybe that's just life. Maybe that's just marriage. Maybe I should start trying harder.
I really, really do love him.
8th May 2009
12:53pm: Couch Night.
We had met once before, but nothing very interesting happened. We went to Embassy, and then Montfort, didn't speak much, or really connect. I thought he was attractive because well, that's just undeniable, apparently he thought the same about me. We were both in relationships, though his was suffering, and he was not being good in it at all.
We met again about a month later, February 12th. Caitlin, Bryan and I went to his place, a girl (Christi) was leaving as we arrived. He was kind of drunk already. Caitlin introduced us again, and asked him if he remembered me. He said he did, "Yeah of course, we went to Embo, and Montfort and stuff". We ate some cold pizza and pre drank. We went to another friends house to pre drink some more. I met (ginger) Bryan and Margret. While we were there he kept sitting beside me whenever he had the chance. He checked out my boobs and made eyes to Caitlin about them. We went out for smokes, I shook my ass at Caitlin and he said "Ahhhh don't do that....", because apparently it made it too difficult for him not to look.
We went to Embassy with the whole crew. We all went our seperate ways, or stayed together, or met up sporatically. He, Margret, and I were the only straight ones in our group. "Straight crew". I learned from Margret that they'd slept together, and that things were weird between them now. I learned from him that she was being weird, and would randomly kiss him, and then walk away. Okay whatever, that's nice. Sluts. He would always go out for smokes when I did, or ask me if I wanted to. Conveniently with no one else around. I was in a serious, good, relationship though, so it was all (basically) innocent. I was cold, he held his sweater around me. He reminded me it was innocent though, and told me it's cool because he's gay. I told him I'm a lesbian too. We were leaning against a ledge, his sweater around me, Jena told us we'd made a cute couple. I knew it was true. At another time, some random gay guy came up to us and offered us a joint. We took him up on it, and near the end he told him he was straight, and that I was his girlfriend. The gay guy fucked off, dissapointed. He leaned in to my neck, his lips brushed against my skin (it made me crazy) and he said "thank you for not saying anything!!". We met a weird girl named Eryn. She talked to us about shitty music, and eventually we got away from her. I later introduced her to Caitlin.
He was really drunk, I was rather drunk too. He threw up all over the stairs inside, I was glad not to wittness it.
When we were done at Embassy, we went to Pizza Pizza. Eryn came with us, and Caitlin ended up going home with her. I stayed with everyone else. He bought me food even though I told him not to. He sat next to me. We went back to Bryan's. A few of us stayed up talking for a while. Bryan and some annoying gay guy went to bed together. Margret and Bryan went up stairs to go to bed, because we had conveniently taken up the couch together downstairs. We started with our heads at seperate ends. We talked. I smoked, and he held a blanket around me. He asked if he could put his head at the same end as me, I told him he could. We reminded each other that we're both gay and it's all totally innocent. He had to put his arm around me to be comfortable. We accidentally ended up cuddling. He said we could keep a skateboard that was on the floor between us if I wanted, I said that wouldn't be comfortable. We watched lizzards be really boring. We talked. Smoked menthols. Layed together. Talked. Talked a lot and didn't sleep. He complimented me, told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd even seen. I knew what he was like with girls, and I knew he said that shit to all of them. He kissed my cheek and played with my hair. He pushed me up against the back of the couch, holding my wrists, kissed my neck. It drove me crazy. We talked more, cuddled, slept for about an hour. I struggled all night not to kiss him.
We had to get up and go, early in the morning. He had to go home because he had to work in a couple hours. I didn't know what he was feeling. I wished he could stay with us. Bryan and I tracked down Caitlin and went out for breakfast. He was all I could think about. I thought he was probably just drunk and wouldn't really mention it again. I told Caitlin and Bryan everything. I felt really bad and didn't know what to do. They told me not to worry about it, and told me it didn't mean anything because he's always like that. I couldn't not think about it though, he drove me crazy, I wanted his phone number, I wanted to talk to him. I added him on Facebook, on my phone, I didn't want to ask Caitlin for his phone number. I didn't really expect him to message me or anything.
I was on the bus to London later that night. He sent me a message on Facebook, asking for my number, and saying he had a really nice time with me. He txted me. He told me again that he had a good time, that I'm beautiful, that he wanted to see me as soon as possible. I told him I knew his game and not to play it with me. He said it wasn't like that, he really liked me. He tried to convince me that he was being honest. He said I made his heart skip beats, I gave him butterflies, I was different than any other girl. I txted Bryan and Caitlin freaking out, not knowing what to do, because I really liked him. Caitlin talked to him and told me she was wrong before, he was serious, he really really like me. I was going to see my boyfriend and I couldn't stop thinking about this other guy. He asked me to see him, with no one else, go out for coffee at least. He just wanted me to give him a chance. I said I would, but it might take a while. He said he'd wait, as long as it took, but not to lead him on. Caitlin told me that yes, he's charming, but he's not worth getting so fucked up over, he's not boyfriend material. He cheats. He had so many times durring his last relationship, that had just ended.
I got to London. I was in a weird mood the whole time I was there, James could tell. He txted me all day while James was at work. It was Valentines day. I couldn't pretend. We broke up. I cried. It hurt. I bussed home that night. I told him and Caitlin what had happened. Caitlin, Christi, and he were together. They picked me up at the station. He was in the back. He held my hand right away. We got back to his place. He made me Kraft dinner, and then asked me to go out for a smoke and a walk with him, so I did. He held my hand and we talked.
We went to Embassy again that night, and we were together the whole time. He kissed me and held me. Caitlin tried to hide it from Christi, because she apparently liked him. They had fooled around before too. He felt sorry for me because he knew what I had just done (for him), but he was happy. He promised me he wouldn't hurt me. He said he would have waited, but was glad I didn't make him. He thanked me for giving him a chance. We went home together at the end of the night. We fell in love.
3rd May 2009
9:02pm: Our first official home together
We moved in a couple days ago and we're slowly but surely getting everything done.
I will and already do miss the old apartment, because it reminded me of the house I grew up in, and because it's where everything started, but this is ours together, for real.
I am so in love. I still can't completely believe we're even dating, let alone that we have an apartment together now. I couldn't really ask for much more. We get on each others nerves a fair amount, but considering how much time we spend together I don't think it's too bad.
I can't wait to get married and start a family together. I legitimately cannot see that not working out for us.
23rd April 2009
11:15am:
The move is coming so soon! I've spent a lot of money, but we've found a lot of good deals.
So far Matt owes me...(just posting this so I can keep track of it)
rent - 597.50
wal mart - 70
bed - 275
942.50
8th April 2009
10:48am:
We saw two apartments on Monday, and were accepted for both of them.
Tomorrow we're going in to finalize everything for one of them, and pay first and last month's rent.
A few people have checked out Matt's current apt, but no one has taken it. Hopefully someone does. Hopefully if someone doesn't it won't be an issue for us.
Uncle Stan is buying us a flatscreen TV for our house warming gift. Rad.
Excited!
Madoc this weekend, to meet the fam. Ackk.
28th March 2009
4:28pm:
Matthew just broke his lease.
:)
14th March 2009
2:28pm: Nice day :)
Matthew and I both had the day off yesterday (since I usually try to get the same days off as him). We got up early and bussed up the mountain for 10AM, because I had a doctor's appointment. I've been having really bad headaches, well migraines apparently, and I have to watch out for it because it could be something more serious. I also have a weird thing in my hand that Matt discovered, but it's probably nothing.
After that we walked over to the mall, since it's so close. I bought a few things from H&M and some extra strength Advil, haha. Oh and we got a big box of condoms! He just bought a zip up hoodie, like one he already has, that I always wear. We had lunch right at noon, and then got the bus to got back home. We ended up getting off and going to Value Village instead though. We bought a bunch of movies (Big, My Giant, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, The Sixth Sense, Center Stage, You've Got Mail, and Romeo & Juliet), for $2 each. We also got 2 little cute, but really ugly, figurine things (one was 2 pigs like...69ing, on a swing, with a heart, and one was a boy and a girl playing guitar and singing, on a bench), and some utensils. We bussed downtown from there. We went to Jackson Square for a bit, and finally found an old lady cart! So stoked. We walked down the street, with rCart (/our cart), stopped in a few shoppes (Metro, a secondhand place, some clothing store that always closed, but has American Apparel and Cheap Mondays and stuff like that). We bought some drinks at a convenience store. I got an Arizona, which makes it feel like Spring. Matt got a cigar as well, because he's been doing that a lot lately? Haha. It was actually quite nice out. Chilly, but sunny, and at least early spring-esque. We laughed and acted silly, as usual. We had fun, just walking down the street. We hung out at home for a while, and had a shower together. We discussed dinner, and then went grocery shopping, mostly because we wanted to use rCart. We decided it was Taco night! So we got everything necessary for that, and a bunch more groceries. We also got an ashtray and a baking sheet that we later discovered doesn't fit in his oven. We saw a girl he knows, that I used to know, that wants him. I have him. :) We carted home, and made dinner for 10:30PM. I chopped, he cooked. We ate, and then watched You've Got Mail. I fell asleep half way in.
This morning we woke up together, as usual. He's at work now. I'll see him in a few hours. I miss him. I love him.
9th March 2009
1:19pm:
I haven't really had anything to say, so I haven't made an entry in a bit.
Things are still basically the same, just progressing.
I sleep at home, well my parents house, maybe once a week. I sleep with Matt all the other nights.
We walk downtown most mornings, he gets the bus to work, and I get the bus home, hang out here for a couple hours, and then bus to work.
Some days he buses to work to meet me, and most days I get picked up and dropped off at his place.
We go grocery shopping together, and hang out with Caitlin, and rent lots of movies, and have lots of sex.
He's met my parents and sister, and I've met his uncle. We're going to go to Madoc soon so I can meet his immediate family.
He's breaking his lease soon, hopefully this week. 2 months notice, and then we'll have a place together, officially. All we'll really need to buy is a bed, and maybe a dining room table. We have everything else we need. We'll get internet and cable, which he doesn't have now, so I won't die of boredom when he's not there. I've looked at some places online, and we both have Friday off this week, so we'll probably walk around trying to find available apartments.
We're madly in love and I honestly can't see this ending. I know it's fast and this might seem like something I've done before, but it's not. It's different and it's real and there are no what ifs.
Sometimes I miss James a lot, but it's really just everything that surrounded us and him. I miss his mom and sister, and house, and Cujo, and London, and his friends and the things we used to do together. I miss him but I know it wasn't enough, it would have been settling. We've still been talking quite a bit and I think and hope we'll be good friends.
I want to spend the rest of my life with Matthew. He's everything I've always wanted, and he feels at least as strongly about me.
27th February 2009
11:18pm:
I think maybe we've found something that few people find in an entire lifetime.
20th February 2009
11:25pm: In love.
I hope it's not too good to be true. I think we just finally found each other. This is what it's all about.
It's like nothing else. I have loved before but never like this.
Just the way we look in each others eye's, we can feel it, other people can see it. I surprised him a couple days ago, by visiting him at work in the morning. A lady he works with said that was the happiest she'd ever seen him, and that she could tell he was in love with me just by the way he looked at me.
We're trying not to rush things, but it's impossible. It's just fast, not rushing. It's just natural.
Yesterday, he had the day off, so I got the day off too. We spent all day together. We decided we should be official, since we already were in our minds anyway. He'd been saying he loved me for a couple days, with out really saying it. He said it yesterday. He said he couldn't wait any longer. I said it back.
He is the most gorgeous, sexy, cute, everything attractive, boy. He is about 2 inches taller than me. He is thin, but has muscle. He has tattoos, ones that I don't dislike. He has his nose pierced, and looks good with or without a beard. He has thick, dark hair, and blue eyes. He has the best lips. And teeth. And nose. And ears. And jaw line. And hip bones. And....well, other parts. The best other part. All the best. His smile. He's better looking than me. Our hands fit together. He smells good. He plays guitar, and sings. When I'm getting ready, he plays and sings, and watches me, and tells me I'm perfect. He comes out for smokes with me, even when he doesn't smoke. He holds me to keep me warm. He stays with me. He makes me food, and gets me anything I want, whenever I want. He orders and buys coffee for me. He thinks I'm funny, and we have the same humor. We both smoke cigarettes and pot. We have the same style, and like a lot of the same music. I have his house key, and a drawer in his dresser. He says he doesn't want anyone but me, and I believe him. He wants me to go home with him and meet his parents. He wants to be with me forever.I really hope he doesn't fuck up.
17th February 2009
12:33pm:
3 nights in a row, spent together. It's insanely fast. Fast because we're moving fast and fast because I wasn't single for even a second.
It's right and I can't and don't want to fight it.
If he's fucking with me I WILL kill him, and he will lose his closest friend, he knows this. I trust that he isn't, and I trust what he says.
We're from a movie or something.
Him, sitting on the edge of the bed, with a comforter wrapped around him, playing his acoustic and singing softly. Being one of the best looking boys I've ever seen.
Me, laying on the bed, behind him, just listening and thinking, with the morning sun shining in on us through his window.
Falling for each other.
Fast and hard.
15th February 2009
3:28pm: it's over.
Valentine's Day, 8pm.
I'd been in a weird mood the whole time, since I'd got there the night before. I didn't want to go through with the whole Valentine's Day thing, when I knew it had to end, soon. He did the talking for me and said everything right. I cried. He drove me to the bus station, and we said goodbye. I tried not to cry on the entire bus ride home.
Caitlin, Matt, and Christi picked me up from the station, we went to Matt's and then Embassy.
This was partially over Matt. Not because I thought we could be together if James and I broke up, but because I knew what I felt with Matt, just sharing a couch together, was necessary in a relationship. I hadn't felt it in ages, maybe not ever to that extent.
We were basically together last night. It's terrifying because I love James and my heart is hurting pretty badly. It's terrifying because I KNOW how Matt is. He is different with me though. He's keeping me together right now.
13th February 2009
1:14pm:
Irregular heartbeat.
Blah.
Just have to forget, because it can't matter.
26th January 2009
10:48pm:
Sydney final show was on Friday.
Seeing Jay fucking hurt. I knew it would. I wish I would just be over him.
Fuck.
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